


Illicit Affairs

by propsandmayhems



Category: The Last Hours Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: F/M, i havent written in forever pls be nice, my first tsc writing how exciting, this may make u hate james idk im not responsible for my actions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:47:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25534603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/propsandmayhems/pseuds/propsandmayhems
Summary: "although they had been married for nearly four months now, it still felt strange to even think of him as ‘her husband’ as she knew in her gut he wasn’t truly hers"Jordelia angst inspired by Illicit Affairs by Taylor SwiftDisclaimer: All characters used belong to Cassandra Clare. All song lyrics used belong to Taylor Swift.
Relationships: Cordelia Carstairs/James Herondale
Comments: 13
Kudos: 74





	1. Chapter 1

> [ Leave the perfume on the shelf / That you picked out just for him ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLV2SJKWk4M)

Cordelia sighed as she placed the last pin into her attempt at a presentable updo. If her corset wasn't keeping her spine straight, the sigh would've been enough to cause her to slouch, but instead her shoulders just slumped over awkwardly in defeat. She was unfamiliar with doing her own hair, as one of the lady’s maids employed by her family had always managed her curls into beautiful hairstyles. Even after coming to London, she had Risa to help her dress. However, herself and James decided it would be easier for them to keep the secret of their sham marriage if they kept no servants. This decision was also partly made for them by the fact the only real money they had was the salaries they received as Shadowhunters. As a result, Cordelia quickly learned how to dress herself, but was still somewhat lacking when it came to shaping her hair into one of the elegant styles that she saw the mundane women sport while they were out shopping on Bond Street. 

A quick rap on the door snapped her out of her sulking. She and James slept in different bedrooms - Cordelia and James insisted upon a two bedroom home under the guise that they needed one bedroom to use as a guest room, just in case one of the Merry Thieves ever had too much to drink and needed to stay the night. The two bedroom house in Holborn was bought with help from a very generous loan from James’s father, Will. 

“Daisy?” James’s voice came from the other side of the door, causing Cordelia to pop up from the bench at her dressing table. “Are you nearly ready? The carriage will be here soon.” Despite the fact that their house was easily within walking distance to the Institute, Will always had the Institute’s carriage sent to fetch them whenever they planned to visit. 

“Yes,” she called back through the door. “Just give me one more moment.” 

She picked up the small glass bottle from her dressing table and unstoppered it, turning it over so some of the scent spread onto the pulse point of her one wrist. She repeated the motion on the other wrist and then rubbed her wrists together while the scent was still slightly damp to set it in. Finally, she replaced the stopper into the little bottle and set it back onto the table. Cordelia remembered how the mundane shopgirl in one of the storefronts on Oxford Street had told her how the fragrance would help catch the attention of the handsomest of male suitors, assuming that she was not engaged - let alone married - as she did not wear any mundane trinket of marriage. Cordelia asked the shopgirl how to apply the perfume, and she was more than happy to show her, as it was a hot day and many decided to stroll in the park rather than shop and Cordelia and Lucie had been her only real customers in quite a few hours. Cordelia personally didn’t like the scent of the perfume, but she thought James would. The small bottle was expensive, as the shopgirl explained that it was brought in from Paris which was apparently “the perfume capital of the world!” Cordelia wasn’t sure about that, but forked over the money regardless. The shopgirl packaged up Cordelia’s perfume and Lucie’s new hairpins, which were adorned with tiny pearls, and the two girls departed the shop. That was two weeks ago, and Cordelia was sure the perfume would grab James’s attention, but it hadn’t raised as much as a compliment from him.

Cordelia smoothed her blue dress as she walked over to the door; she had taken to wearing the colour based upon Anna’s fashion advice. She threw the door open to reveal James - although they had been married for nearly four months now, it still felt strange to even think of him as ‘her husband’ as she knew in her gut he wasn’t truly hers. He smiled at her - a radiant smile that transformed his entire face. His golden eyes shone like the late afternoon sun glinting off the Thames. It seemed as if the entire Enclave always went on about how William Herondale was so handsome, but Cordelia felt James’s otherworldly colouring gave him an incomparable beauty that made him the best looking Herondale. He offered his arm, “You look beautiful, as always. Shall we go down to the street to wait for the carriage?” 

Accepting his arm, she gave him a small smile. “Lead the way, Lord James.” He let out a laugh at their shared joke as they swept down the stairs. The Merry Thieves had taken to calling them ‘Lord’ and ‘Lady’ shortly after they moved into the house. One evening, the group had gotten a little too rambunctious and broke one of the plates from the wedding china. Cordelia had scolded the boys, and Matthew had simply bowed and said “My apologies, Lady Cordelia.” Since that evening, the group had taken to greeting them with the mock titles whenever they came over. In the months they had been married, James had also told her she was beautiful nearly everyday, but there was no real tenderness behind the words. It was like he was saying it simply because that's what a husband should do, not because he wanted to. 

They made their way out the door just as the Institute’s carriage was coming to a stop in front of the house. As he always did, James let go of her arm to first go over to Balios and Xanthos to give their noses a scratch. Cordelia knew James had known the horses since before he could talk, and always found it endearing to see his love for the beautiful animals. James hadn’t told her much more than stories of riding the horses around the Institute grounds with Lucie, but Cordelia could tell they meant a great deal to the Herondale family. He then came back over to Cordelia and helped her into the carriage. At the beginning of their marriage, Cordelia had insisted she could help herself into the carriage, but James insisted as not to raise suspicion in Cyril that James was anything but a dutiful and loving husband. 

Once James had sat himself across from Cordelia and thumped the door closed, the carriage began rattling toward the direction of the Institute. It had become a weekly habit for James and Cordelia to attend dinner at the Institute every Thursday evening, no matter what other business had happened during the week. She had to admit, it was nice to have a routine event to look forward to - something that was consistent despite the increasing uncertainty amongst the Enclave with the growth in demonic activity in London. It was also nice to not have to attempt to cook for an evening. James seemed to have a natural inclination for cooking, and would often whip up absolutely delicious meals for her and the Merry Thieves, as they were frequent dinner guests. When Cordelia asked where he had learned to cook, he told her how he would sometimes hang around the Institute’s kitchen while Bridget was preparing meals. Bridget would pretend to be annoyed, but would tell him each step she took in preparing her exquisite dinners and lush desserts while she worked. 

As per usual, James began chattering away about his day during the short ride to the Institute. It was really a beautiful evening - a rare London night that was actually free from rain - and Cordelia would have actually preferred to walk and take in the crisp, early evening air. They pulled through the gates of the Institute just as James finished telling her about how Christopher nearly burned down The Devil Tavern again. Lucie was on the steps to greet them, bouncing on the balls of her feet with excitement as if she hadn’t just seen Cordelia yesterday. The second James had helped her down from the carriage, Lucie had taken her arm and began intently discussing her new chapter of  _ The Beautiful Cordelia _ . As they made their way to the dining room, Lucie insisted that Cordelia see the recent additions after dinner. Of course, Cordelia agreed, as James typically retreated to the drawing room with his parents to discuss whatever books they had read that week. 

Tessa was already in the dining room when Lucie and Cordelia entered, and she darted over to embrace Cordelia in a hug. Cordelia couldn’t help but feel guilty whenever Tessa embraced her - she was so full of love for her family, and shared that love so easily with Cordelia under the belief that Cordelia was the woman her son truly loved, and planned on sharing his entire life with. Tessa released her, and looked her over with a smile. Gently, she reached up and pushed one of the pins in her hair that had already begun to come loose. “You look radiant tonight, Cordelia.” Tessa began, as she moved back towards her seat. “You must tell me where you got that perfume, I just love the smell. Shall we sit and wait for our boys?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So honestly I haven't read Chain of Gold since March and I could not remember if Cyril was in it?? I took a wild guess that he was still alive so uhhh if I got it wrong please let me know  
> Part 2 is half way done and James is The Worst smh men am I right???  
> Please let me know what you think!! This is the longest work I've ever done and it feels too wordy and ik my grammar sucks


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cordelia's dress: https://ic.pics.livejournal.com/gogm/16088410/409038/409038_900.jpg  
> Chaise lounge: https://i.pinimg.com/originals/8d/bc/6d/8dbc6d5b943224bb841bf76a1c93755e.jpg

> [ A drug that only worked / The first few hundred times ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLV2SJKWk4M)

The night was still clear by the time Lucie had shown Cordelia the new chapter of _The Beautiful Cordelia_ and they had made plans to meet the next afternoon to train. Will tried to insist on having the carriage brought around to take her and James back home, but Cordelia eventually persuaded him to allow them to walk, explaining how she wished to take in the rare night without rain. They were walking arm in arm, and had just turned off Fleet Street when James finally spoke, “Would you care to join me for a nightcap when we get back?”

Cordelia knew what this would lead to. On the night of their wedding, when they were finally alone, he had brought the subject up. “Daisy,” he began, resting on the chaise lounge in the sitting room of Herondale Manor, where they were spending a week for their honeymoon. He had changed out of his wedding gear and was relaxing in white shirtsleeves and black trousers. “If I asked you to accompany me to my room, what would you say?” 

At first, she just gaped at him, astonished at his forwardness. Next, she felt a rush of anger toward him, for assuming she would just give herself to him if he asked. Then she remembered the night at the Hell Ruelle, and how it felt so good to lose herself in James, even if it wasn’t real for him. “I would tell you yes, James. The entire Enclave already believes we’ve consummated our marriage, so what does it matter?”

He let out a short laugh and lazily reached out his hand. “Well come here then.” 

She stood from the sofa she had been lounging on and made her way diagonally across the room to the chaise James was lying on. He had his head resting on his right arm, and his ever-present bracelet sparkled behind the edges of his hair. His left arm was held out across his body, waiting for Cordelia to take his hand. She had changed out of her wedding gown before they departed the Institute, and she was wearing a tea dress in dark green - another one of Anna’s selections. Before they left, Lucie had also helped her in locating all the pins in her hair, and her curls now fell loosely around her shoulders. She reached James and placed her hand in his. “Would you like me to help you up?”

“I’m quite comfortable here. Why don’t you sit?” 

“On your lap?”

The only illumination in the room came from witchlight sconces that lined the walls, and they caused James’s eyes to glimmer in a way that reminded her of the stars in the sky over Cirenworth. “Yes, if that’s alright with you.” 

She gave him a nod and hitched her skirts up with her free hand. James watched her with half-lidded eyes and tugged on her hand. “Bring your leg over,” he instructed. She settled on top of him, legs on either side of his waist, her skirts billowing out around them. “Are you okay with this?” He asked, and her heart warmed at him continuously checking in on her. 

“Yes, although I do believe it would have been a better option to retire to the bedroom, this chaise is quite narrow and I feel like we are going to tip the boat.” 

This brought a small smile out of him, “I can assure you, the chaise is quite stable.” 

“What, have you tested it out with someone else?”

His smile fell, and she thought she saw hurt flash across his expression. However, he blinked and it was gone. “No, you-” he began, then stopped. Disconnecting his eyes from hers and raking them down her body. Unclasping their hands, he moved both of his hands to rest on her thighs under her skirts. He brought his eyes back up to meet hers, and for a moment she thought she saw real desire reflected in the shimmering gold, “just let me know at any point if you want me to stop.”

With that, she leaned down and captured his lips in hers. She brought her hands up to tangle her fingers in his inky black locks. She gave a few strands a gentle tug and was successful in raising a low moan from the back of his throat. He moved his hands further up her thighs, leaving a trail of fire on her skin wherever he touched. His roaming hands came to rest on her lower back, his fingers fanning out so that he was gripping her hips. Her breath hitched and her lips parted, surprised at the new sensation. James took this opportunity to deepen the kiss, slipping his tongue into her mouth. He tasted of champagne and the sweet icing from their wedding cake. 

She untangled her hands from his hair to begin working on the buttons of his shirt. The top two were already unfastened and her surprisingly steady hands made quick work of the third before James broke away from her with a groan, slipping his hands back from under her skirts. Leaning forward, he pulled sharply on his cuffs, popping the buttons off. He then took his shirt by the collar and ripped it over his head, sending the remaining fasteners Raziel-knows-where. Cordelia dropped her jaw and barely silenced a giggle that was rising in her throat. “James! By the Angel! Bridget is going to find those buttons and she’s going to know what we did in the sitting room!”

James, his torso now bare, had once again reclined into the soft fabric of the chaise lounge. He flicked his eyes up to meet hers, and his eyes expressed the same intense wanting as they did that night at the Hell Ruelle. His eyes seemed to be glowing as if they were made of the same molten gold a blacksmith would use to craft a sword. He reached out a hand and twirled a firey curl around one of his long pianist’s fingers. He used the grip on her curl to tug her down close to him and with a gasp, she lurched forward. Quickly, she placed her hands on his exposed chest to prevent their heads from bumping into each other. In her new position, she and James were nearly nose to nose, their breath tangling together. He moved his other hand up to join the other in tangling in her hair, as his eyes searched her face. When he spoke, his voice was barely above a whisper and sounded as if he was struggling to form any words at all. “Well, Daisy, as you said before, what does it matter?” 

With that, their lips collided together once again with a renewed fervor. Shortly after, James finally led her to his bedroom where her tea dress was abandoned and they explored every inch of each other. 

Since that night, they had spent many more evenings together. Just as she had the first time, they always justified their escapades with the same whispered phrase; _what does it matter?_ And at first, it didn’t - Cordelia would let herself slip away and become a part of James and he a part of her, as whenever they were together she felt that he truly desired her and none of this was a lie or a sham. Yet, recently she couldn’t deny how he looked at her during the day; as if they were just two friends sharing a house. Everything she did to try to draw his attention only raised a simple ‘you look beautiful’ from him. 

She continued to look forward as she answered his question. “No, James, not tonight. I’m tired and I have plans to train with Lucie early tomorrow.” This was a lie - she was not tired at all and didn’t have to be at the Institute until lunchtime tomorrow, but it was the first time she had refused his offer and it had the desired effect on him. He stopped short, the movement abrupt enough that it caused her to swing to face him as their arms were still intertwined at the elbow. 

Looking down at her, he scrunched his eyebrows together in confusion. “Is everything alright, Daisy? Have I done something to offend you?” 

Cordelia yearned to take his face her hands and smooth the crinkles out of his eyebrows, but she forced herself to remain still. Keeping her voice as casual as she could, she replied, “No. It’s just as I said before, that I am tired.” 

James opened his mouth to reply, but quickly closed it. With that, they once again started forward to finish their walk home - now surrounded by a thick silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was gonna wait a week to post but I had this finished and I just couldn't wait any longer I have no patience!!!  
> Thank you all for the kudos on the previous chapter I hope you enjoy this as well, it's the first time I've ever written a kissing scene so I hope it's not too terribly awkward!!  
> I know what I want to do to wrap this up, but I can't decide if it will be split into 1 or 2 chapters - we will see!  
> Thank you so much for reading, come say hi on tumblr - I'm propsandmayhems there as well :)  
> Love, Carley


	3. Chapter 3

> [ And you wanna scream / Don't call me "kid," don't call me "baby" ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLV2SJKWk4M)

James didn’t say another word to Cordelia the entire rest of the walk home. Even when they reached the house, he opened the door and held it for her without a word. She passed by him silently and crossed the foyer, making her way towards the stairs that lead to their bedrooms. She reached the foot of the stair and turned back toward James; and upon realizing she was finally a good two meters from him, she let out a breath she didn’t know she had been holding. He had just clicked the door closed and lifted his head up to her. Although the house was only illuminated by the light that flowed in through the windows from the street, it was if his eyes absorbed every bit of excess light in the room and refracted it, causing them to glow and stand out against his shadowed face. 

His right hand was still on the door handle and his always-present silver bracelet peaked out from under his shirtsleeve. Removing his hand from the doorknob, he took his hat from his head and placed it on the coat rack by the door. “Well, I think I’ll stoke up the fire and read for a while,” he spoke, flashing her a smile that still managed to clench her heart. “Good night, Cordelia.” With that, he swept past her and into the parlor, witchlight blazing up in the room as he entered. She and James decided to replace all the candle fixtures with witchlight as the previous owners had never converted the townhouse to use electric lighting; they figured it would not be worth the cost to install electricity since they would only be living there a year. 

Cordelia was simply entirely over the evening. She turned on her heel with a huff, hitched up her skirt, and bounded up the stairs. She had left the door to her room open when she left and she kept it open as she entered. She wanted to let James know that she wasn’t upset with him but that she just couldn’t continue to play the image of a content and loving wife. She knew James was not upset about Cordelia not wanting to sleep with him tonight - he didn’t expect sex from her - but rather, he was upset that she didn’t share what was burdening her. James was raised to always share his concerns with someone; whether it be his sister, his steadfast parents, or his dedicated Uncle Jem. 

She made her way to her dressing table, James’s eyes burning like heavenly fire in the back of her mind, and dropped down on the bench. She immediately started pulling the pins she had carefully placed in her hair earlier from her curls haphazardly and watched in the mirror as her hair began to fall in waves around her shoulders. Combing her fingers through the strands to check for any more pins, she decided that she would have James do her hair for next week’s dinner. James had made the mistake of telling her that Lucie forced him to learn how to braid hair, although, Cordelia suspected he was not ‘forced’ as James would do anything to please his little sister. Regardless, James had tied Cordelia’s hair back into a tight, neat plait multiple times for training or patrol now. Cordelia was sure he could manage to knot her hair into an updo and would love to see the look on Will’s face when she told him it was his son that did her hair. 

Hair freed, Cordelia stood to work on undressing herself. The dress she had worn to dinner tonight had a high neck, and she had nearly dislocated her shoulder in her efforts to secure the clasps at her back. Easily, she undid the fastening at the back of her neck and the middle of her back, but again, she struggled to reach the clasp between her shoulder blades. She knew she could reach it if she tried a little harder, but she desperately just wanted out of her corset and simply didn’t feel like struggling to contort her arms when James was downstairs - and as her husband, there was no reason he shouldn’t help her.

Moving out of the room carefully with the dress hanging around her strangely, she called down the stairs, “James, this dress is just impossible to unfasten on my own. Would you mind helping me?” 

She heard a book shut and within a moment James appeared at the bottom of the stairs. He had rid himself of his jacket and had rolled up the sleeves of his shirt. Despite being left alone for only a few minutes, he had already managed to dishevel himself with his tie askew and his hair sticking out in all directions as if he had been running his hands through it. He looked up at her with a soft expression, gold eyes illuminated by the witchlight sconces that lined the stairwell, and gave a nod, “Yes, of course.” 

Cordelia moved back into her room as James moved soundlessly up the stairs. She watched as he entered the room with trepidation; their usual casual air was replaced with an awkwardness. Turning around, she gathered her hair to one shoulder so James could see the clasps that ran up the back of the dress. “If you could just undo the clasp between my shoulder blades.”

Behind her, she felt James move forward and take hold of her dress with his long, nimble fingers. She willed herself not to shiver as his calloused skin brushed her exposed back while he worked on the fastening, which quickly came undone under his touch. “There, you are freed, Lady Cordelia,” he said lightly. 

Cordelia knocked the dress off her shoulders and let it pool around her ankles as she turned to face James. She heard her mother’s voice in her head that she should be scandalized to be standing in front of a man - even her husband - in her petticoat, but this was not the first time James had seen her in a state of undress and would most likely not be the last. She gave him a small smile, “thank you, Lord James.” 

Returning her smile, his eyes flicked down to the marriage rune that was placed on her left breast and was now peaking out from the top of her petticoat. Returning his gaze to hers, his smile fell. “Daisy, I-” He began, hesitantly, but didn’t get to finish. 

“Don’t call me that,” she spoke, cutting him off. The words had left her mouth before she could process what she was saying. 

James recoiled, taking half a step back from her. “What?”

Cordelia thought a very unladylike word while the silence spread between her and James for a moment. She had backed herself into a corner and cursed the fact she had no training in fighting her way out of this type of situation. Breathing in, she steeled her voice, “I said, don’t call me that, James.” Her hands came up as she spoke, flying around and enunciating each of her words. She had gone this far, and everything just came spilling out of her. “I can’t bear to hear you say it, as to you it’s just a name. But for me, it’s us as children in Paris and us in the Whispering Room of the Hell Ruelle. It’s the times when I feel a sliver of hope that not every part of this is a farce. At night, when we are together, your touch lays trails of fire on my skin, and in your eyes I see desire and I can imagine that maybe there is a part of you that truly does love me as I love you. Then we wake up and you depart to your room and your stone mask replaces itself. You are unable to give me more than telling me I look beautiful, but even those words feel hollow and empty, as if you are an actor who has rehearsed their lines one too many times. 

“I thought our evenings together would be enough for me; to escape into the illusion that you love me, but the more I have felt the smallest spark of something real between us, the less I can take pretending. I can’t face your mother and the way she embraces me as if I am her own daughter, knowing that I will lose that in just eight more months.” She stopped for a moment, stepping out of her dress and moving towards James. His golden eyes were wide and shimmering and his mouth was open in surprise. His hands were hanging limply by his side, unsure of what they should be doing without a book or throwing knife in them. The bracelet on his right wrist shone in the witchlight, and she had the strangest feeling that the light glinting off the bracelet was winking at her mockingly. Ignoring her absurd thoughts, Cordelia placed her own hands on James’ chest and looked up to him, continuing, “I’m not telling you all this to hurt you. I never wish to hurt you, James; but I need you to understand that I cannot continue on this way. I know you never intended for this to happen when you proposed, you couldn’t have known the way I truly feel for you. I feel like an idiotic fool even thinking this, but the colour of your eyes is my favorite colour in all the world. Some days I cannot even bear the thought that in just a few months I will never again look into your eyes as you lean in to kiss me. I don’t need you to apologize - I won’t apologize either - it’s neither of our faults for how we feel. I- I guess I just need you to know that for me, it needs to be all or nothing.” 

Cordelia truly had no idea how James would react to her confession, but she hardly at all expected him to nod and merely say, “I understand.” Backing away from her hands, which still rested on his chest, he bid her goodnight again and swept out of the room. Cordelia stood for a moment with her hands frozen in mid-air, still warm from the heat that radiated off James. Mindlessly, she turned to finish undressing and once she made it into her nightgown, she laid on her mattress and stared at the ceiling until she was pulled into a restless sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took forever!! I just couldn't get happy with it (it still didn't come out the exact way I wanted but o well)  
> There will be one more part!! Will James redeem himself??  
> Thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed! Kudos and comments are extremely appreciated <3  
> Come say hi on tumblr! I'm propsandmayhems there as well :)  
> Love, Carley


	4. Chapter 4

> [ For you, I would ruin myself / A million little times ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLV2SJKWk4M)

“Cordelia?” Eyes flying open, Cordelia woke to James standing by her bed, sliver breakfast tray in his hands. Noticing her eyes were on him, he continued, “I… I brought you breakfast. It’s nine, I wasn’t sure what time you needed to be up for training.” 

Pushing herself up on her elbows, she took in the sight of him. He was wearing the same clothes he wore to dinner last night, but his tie was now completely disregarded and the top two buttons of his shirt were undone. The fabric of his shirt and trousers was rumpled as if he had slept on the sofa in the parlor, which he most likely had. Quite a few times Cordelia had come downstairs in the morning to find James stretched out on the couch with a book still resting on his chest, feet hanging over the arm as he was too tall to completely fit. His hair was sticking out in all directions and desperately needed a good brushing, still, Cordelia couldn’t help but think he looked absolutely beautiful. Blinking up at him, she responded, her voice gravelly with sleep, “thank you, James. That’s very kind of you”

He moved to set the tray on her bedside table while she pushed herself up against the headboard. Giving her a small, tentative smile, he turned to leave. As if on instinct, her hand shot out and circled his left wrist, stopping him from moving further. “James,” she began, tugging on his arm so he faced her again. His eyes were a soft yellow in the morning light, nearly the same color as the squares of sun that fell on her white bedspread from the windows on the wall to the right. “There is no reason for you to run out. I am not upset with you.”

“You should be,” he dropped his gaze from hers, muttering his response so quietly she could just barely hear it. Like this, he looked no different from the 14-year-old boy she had read to at Cirenworth. As she did now, she thought he was beautiful then; even before he had grown into his high cheekbones and long legs. She could remember his eyes peeking out from the top of the coverlet, watching her intently as she read - twin flames burning into her soul. She had loved him since that summer and could not bring herself to stop, despite the pain it caused her. Studying his shoes - which, Cordelia guessed, had probably not been taken off since they were put on yesterday - he continued, “I- I’m sorry, Cordelia.”

“Oh, James…” She tightened her hold on his wrist, which caused him to bring his eyes back up to meet hers. Releasing his wrist, she patted the mattress next to her legs, “sit, please.”

He obliged, slouching down on the edge of her bed, still avoiding eye-contact. “James, you do not have to apologize for the way that you feel. It’s okay that you don’t lo-”

“But that’s just it Cordelia, I do!” He interrupted her, finally meeting her gaze and breathing hard. “I can’t explain it, but I _know_ that I love you; it’s just as if that love is locked behind a glass door that I can see through but can’t break down.” Letting out a groan, he raked his hands through his hair, further mussing the strands. 

Cordelia gaped at him - it was her turn to be unsure of how to respond. _He loves me?_ Was the only thought that was ringing through her head. Before she could think of anything coherent, James continued, “I thought I was doing the right thing by asking you to marry me. I didn’t anticipate how painful this would be for the both of us.” He stopped for a moment and fiddled with his bracelet, looking as if he was arguing with himself whether or not to say his next words. Pushing on, he lifted his eyes to search Cordelia’s face, “I need you to know that for me, Daisy isn’t just a name either. To me, you have always been my guiding light in the darkness, my Daisy in a patch of thorns. Do you remember that summer at Cirenworth when I contracted scalding fever?” 

_Oh, James,_ she wanted to say. _I will never forget that summer_. All she could manage was a nod, which he took as encouragement to go on. “When I slipped into the shadow realm, you didn’t run. In fact, you did the opposite - you came _closer_ , holding on to me until I returned.”

Cordelia was shocked, they had never discussed what had occurred between them that summer and she had just figured James didn’t remember due to being delirious from the fever. “You… you remember that?” She managed to squeak out, voice barely a whisper. 

“Of course I remember! I had just left the Academy where everyone had treated me as a monster for my ability. Then here you were, my brave Daisy, crawling into bed with me even as I slipped between realms,” he finished, face breaking into a devilish grin. 

“James!” She exclaimed, finding her voice. “When you say it like that, you make me sound like a harlot!” 

He let out a bright, ringing laugh, and then his expression turned serious again. “Since that summer, I have always known I could depend on you in a way I couldn’t depend on anyone else. You proved that to me once again when you stood up in front of the entire Enclave and destroyed your reputation to save me. I could never make up to you what that cost you.”

Cordelia reached out and grasped his hand, “You don’t have to make anything up to me, James. It was my decision to stand up and say what I did and if faced with the same choice again, I wouldn’t change my actions. I could care less if the Enclave thinks I’m ruined; I will stand by you, no matter what.” 

With that, James launched himself forward, wrapping his arms around her waist. “You are too good for me, Daisy. You deserve better than I can give you. You deserve someone who can tell you ‘I love you’ without it feeling like being knifed in the chest or tell you that you look beautiful without tasting blood.” As he spoke, tears began rolling down his face, wetting the cloth of her nightgown where his head rested in her lap. 

Lifting his head, swiping away his tears with her thumb, she sighed. “I don’t want anyone else but you, James. It’s always been you.” 

He opened his mouth to respond, but all that came was more tears. Cordelia let his head rest back on her lap, and they held each other like that until long after the tea James had brought up for her had gone cold. Eventually, he looked up to her, eyes blazing bright, and gave her a weak smile. “Would you like me to braid your hair for training?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it!! I received so many kind comments so I got this done asap to share it with you all.  
> Thank you so much for reading. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!  
> As always, kudos and comments are very much appreciated <3  
> Come say hi on tumblr! I'm propsandmayhems on there as well :-)  
> Love, Carley


End file.
